Raising daughters - With Children's Books for Girls

Ice Skate with Confidence

Motivational children's books for raising daughters

My eight-year-old became a nine-year-old recently. So, for her birthday, my wife and I took 11 little girls to a local skating rink. It was a challenge...but a lot of fun.

My daughters have skated several times before, whereas at least 5 of the 11 girls had not. I watched the kids closely as some of the girls skated around without help and with ease, while others inched their way around by holding onto the rail or falling every few feet. The faces of the kids said it all. The skaters were more confident because they were such better skaters, and the non-skaters were visibly less confident. I was holding one of the non-skaters hands as she worked her way around the rink. Whenever one of her friends whizzed past her she made comments like, "Wow, I didn't know she was so good," or "How many times has she skated?"

As the hour or so wore on, the skaters began to help the non-skaters. They all had a blast, but as we left the rink, the skaters walked with a lot more swagger...it was stunning.

So, it's one of those many little things that can begin a trend of success and confidence. The world of children is very physical and very competitive. It's almost like the jungle (okay, okay, I'm overstating that a bit...but kids are trying to find their way...to find out who they are and who they should try to become). Skating is an opportunity to gain confidence or lose confidence. I'm glad I've invested a little time with my girls in skating...although, I didn't realize I should be glad until the party the other night.

A Girl Named Pants!

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

Motivate your children to succeed!

One of my greatest day-to-day challenges is watching my children suffer through...well, anything. I know that there is great value in the obstacles we all face in life. Maybe more value than in the pleasures. Some of us might even be bold enough to say that life's obstacles are the greatest gifts from God. It's these that shape us into good men and women. Men and women who are kind, empathetic, courageous, selfless, and maybe even the kind of men and women who do the right thing no matter what the consequences.

But, how do you tell that to an eight-year-old? How do you tell an eight-year-old who is being tormented by classmates for wearing glasses that their suffering will pay off one day? How do you tell a seven-year-old who lost her hamster or dog or brother that in years to come they will be thankful for this experience? How do you provide a long view to someone who has only been on the planet for a few years?

Well, I read a book with my daughters recently that has helped me to do that very thing. The book is called, "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane." It’s written by Kate DiCamillo (I don’t know her). Not only is it well written and fun to read, but it has proven to be an invaluable tool to help my children understand this hard-to-understand concept.

The book begins with an arrogant and self-centered china rabbit named Edward Tulane. Throughout the book, Edward experiences many, many challenges. He is tormented, smashed, and even dropped into the bottom of the ocean. Throughout his life, his difficult experiences...his suffering...shapes him. He becomes a kind, compassionate, and loving rabbit.

Within a few nights, my girls were able to see the benefits of life's obstacles. They were able to walk with Edward as life spit in his face, and see his amazing transformation.

A few days ago, I was discussing the plight of the poor with my daughters. One of them asked me how God could make people go through that? Honestly, I was struggling to come up with a simple way of explaining that to them (since I'm not completely sure myself), when one of my other daughters said, "Edward Tulane, right dad? God's shaping them, right?" This from the mouth of an eight-year-old.

We talked about this for almost 20 minutes (anyone with 7 and 8 year olds knows that this is a long time). I was able to explain that God will shape us all throughout life, and the same thing could happen to us. We could become poor. We could suffer. We could (and do) face challenges in life. And that's okay. It doesn't mean God is mad at us or hates us or isn't paying attention. Just the opposite. It takes a lot of love to watch someone you love suffer through situations that they NEED to suffer through, and not step in to make it go away.

A Girl Named Pants!

Another posting about Hannah Montana's song lyrics...

Raising Daughters with Motivational Children's Books

Yes, yes, I know…my last posting was about Hannah Montana’s song lyrics. But I believe it’s important to do one more. As I said in my last posting, song lyrics can provide a great opportunity to build a bridge between us and our kids. The challenge, of course, is finding song lyrics that are worthwhile building material.

I was listening to Hannah Montana with my daughters today and I heard the following lyrics (sorry if I don't quote the lyrics EXACTLY as she sang them...this is my best recollection), "...We all want to believe in something...something bigger than ourselves."

One thing I have noticed that is severely lacking in kids in their late teens and early twenties is a focus on something bigger than just them. I want my girls to start to see their place in the bigger picture while they are still young. I want them to begin to appreciate that life is about way more than their immediate and selfish needs. I want them to know that with their lot in life, they have an obligation to do great things...not for themselves, but for the world. This Hannah Montana song provided me with a perfect opportunity to continue that conversation. Because, hey, when Hannah Montana talks, kids listen (sorry E.F. Hutton).

Late in the day we went to BJs to get some stuff for the City Mission. While we were shopping, one of my girls was whining a bit and asked why we had to be there. With barely a moment of hesitation one of my other daughters said, "Because we need to be bigger than ourselves. We need to think about those people who have no money and no homes, and what we can do to help them." I couldn't have been prouder or happier. Thanks, Hannah Montana!

A Girl Named Pants!

Want a great message? Listen to Hannah Montana!

Motivational Childrens Books

Yes, yes, you read it correctly. I use the lyrics from one of Hannah Montana's songs every day to motivate my kids. Keep in mind, I watch TV with my kids on the weekends...sometimes for a big chunk of the day. And while I don't recall whether Hannah Montana is on Nick or Disney, it's on a lot, and my daughters really like it...so do I.

The lyrics to one of Hannah Montana's songs go something like this, "Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock!" What a great message! What a great thing to think about when you're deciding what to do with your day. And, it's a message that fits in perfectly with the whole theme of A Girl Named Pants!

So, when I'm trying to motivate my kids to take action on something, or do something great with their time, I'll say, "Olivia (or Emma or Gabrielle), Life's what you make it, so let's make it ROCK!" They know I'm quoting Hannah Montana (and, of course, she has way more credibility than I do), and when used in connection with a specific situation, they understand what that phrase really means. You're here anyway. Time is passing. You can create a blah life for yourself or a memorable...even legendary life for yourself. What will you make your life into? Use the time you have to do great things, to change the world, even if it's just changing the life of one other person.

Try it with your kids. "Life's what you make it...so let's make it ROCK!"

Walk Me Through Your Day

Raising daughters with children's books for girls

I was chatting with my friend, Tim, recently about ideas for raising confident children. We both agree that it's critical to know what's going on in our kids' lives...every day. My question of the day, though, was how to get my 7 year-olds and 8 year-old to give me information every day. Here's a typical "after school" discussion:

Dad: "How was your day, girls?"

One or more of my daughters: "Fine."

Dad: "Well, what did you do today?"

Girls: "Nothing."

Dad: "Well, you must have done something."

Girls: "Not really."

Dad: "Okay, tell me one great thing you did today, and one hard thing that happened today."

Girls: "Okay, okay. A great thing I did was I went to art class. A hard thing that happened to me was the jelly made the bread all wet on my PB&J sandwich in my lunch."

It's a nice way to talk about nothing, but it doesn't really tell me about their day.

So, my friend Tim told me about a better way. Every day over dinner he asks each kid to "walk me through your day." They start with getting on the bus, through all their classes, bus ride home, homework, etc. It only takes about five minutes for each kid, but it creates an opportunity for the kids to learn to describe the important information quickly (a valuable skill in life). At the same time it enables Tim to hear seemingly boring little details that could reveal important information over time. Tim can hear about who is annoying his kids on the bus, who they're sitting with at lunch, what classes get them excited, and all kinds of other little details that might not mean much in isolation, but mean a lot when part of the bigger story...the every day story.

I just started doing it and it works really well. It's simple. It's quick. And it creates a format or forum to get the information. Thanks, Tim!

Sticks and Stones can Break your Bones but Names will ALWAYS hurt you!

My mother always told me that sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Well...that is hardly ever true. Names do hurt. Names can destroy a child's confidence. Names can be the difference between a child who grows up to be a confident adult and one who suffers a lifetime of "not feeling quite good enough."

I am an active dad and my yard is often the neighborhood gathering place. So, I hear what 6-10 year-old kids are saying to each other. There is a lot of name calling. It appears that kids are bullies by nature. Some physical and some emotional. But saying that sticks and stones will break our bones but names will never hurt us is simply not good enough. It doesn't mean anything. It isn't a compelling statement to shield a child from the nasty names that are inevitably going to be cast at them in life during their young lives.

The other day one of my daughters was upset because someone called her a dork. Rather than simply conclude that names will never hurt her (when clearly that name did hurt her), I explained WHY names will never hurt her. I explained to her that she should be happy when people call her names because it means the other person is jealous of them. People call you names to bring you down, and they only do it if they feel your above them and in need of being brought down. I also told her that all great people in life are laughed at for trying things that no one has done before. Being called names and laughed at means that you are on the road to potential greatness...that you are on the road to changing the way people think...changing the world.

The first time I said this, it didn't really sink in. So, I continued to do it. I also coupled it with examples of great people who were initially laughed at. And I continue to do that to this day. I am turning name calling into a compliment and being laughed at as a badge of honor.

It seems to be working. What other ways are there to help children to deal with the inevitable name calling that goes hand-in-hand with childhood?

How do you raise confident Daughters? How do you raise confident Sons?

When raising daughters, talk about "Health" not "Heft"

My girls, who are only 8-years-old, and 6-years-old, are already becoming weight conscious. Did it come from TV? Their friends? Family? I don't know. Part of me wants to solve the problem by telling them that weight doesn't matter. At least that's what I hear from all the shrinks and wannabe shrinks on TV and in the papers. I guess that can temporarily stave off negative feelings. But, if they actually believe that wieght doesn't matter, and if they gain a lot of weight, how are they going to feel when they get into middle school or high school or the world? It's a hard problem. Do you tell them that weight matters so they take it seriously, or lie to them and tell them it doesn't to spare their feelings?

Well, obesity is one of the major problems this country faces. Childhood obesity is out of control. Being fat as an adult leads to all kinds of problems including big problems like heart disease and diabetes, and smaller problems like back aches and sore knees. Not too mention the hard-to-quantify problems like being discriminated against in the work place and in social settings.

So, what do we do? Do we tell them that weight matters or not? Well, my wife and I have decided to talk about the importance of health...not heft. And with discussions of health comes healthy eating and exercise. We have also decided to be healthy role models by eating right and exercising ourselves. Hopefully this will help them to not worry about weight and, and the same time, not become obese.

What do you think?

How do you raise confident daughters?

Raising confident daughters with public speaking...in front of adults

Motivational Children's books and stuff for girls: A Girl Named Pants!

I believe that public speaking could be the most important of all life-skills. Public speaking skills apply to almost everything. Teaching. Being a student. Sports. Business. Sales. Politics. Research. Law. Medicine. Operations. Living in a neighborhood. Clubs. Relationships...young and old. And yes, public speaking skills also apply to public speaking.

Being able to stand in front of a few people or a few thousand people and be calm enough to make your point...to articulate your message, is a powerful tool...or weapon. And knowing that you can do it is a tremendous source of confidence. Mostly because so few people are confident enough to do it. Being good at this is an immediate differentiator. The one if front of the room is the expert (even if they're not much of an expert). Being at the podium elevates the speaker.

Now, my plan has been to have my children do show-and-tell at home with me to build their public speaking skills. We do it often. And, my daughters are very confident while standing in front of the crowd...that is, as long as the crowd is comprised only of me and their siblings.

I went to my daughter's last-day-of-Kindergarten show. With all our practice at home, I expected my daughter to be one of the more confident speakers. I was wrong. She spoke so softly I could barely hear her. She stared at her teacher the entire time. No eye contact with the crowd at all. I was really surprised.

I spoke with her teacher about it afterward. She said that my daughter is confident with the other kids, but seems to have a hard time speaking in front of adults.

With that in mind, I have a new program I am preparing to implement. I am going to offer the opportunity for other parents in the neighborhood to have their kids practice public speaking in my living room. The only catch for the parents is that they have to be there as the adult crowd. In this way, all the kids will get exposure to speaking in front of adults; adults that are not their parents.

Sometimes, it's all in the handshake!

Motivational Children's Books for Girls: A Girl Named Pants!

Have you ever noticed the difference in handshakes between various people? Sometimes you get the limp fish; sometimes you get the half hand; sometimes you get the quick release; sometimes you get the quick look-away or the quick look-down; and sometimes, when your lucky, you get the firm shake with the firm stare and a smile.

I don't know enough about the human psyche to know what the various handshakes mean. But, I do know this; when someone shakes my hand firmly, gives me a firm stare, and a smile, I believe they are confident. Whether they really are confident is something to be determined between them and their shrink. But whether they are or aren't, my first impression is that they are.

And first impressions mean a lot. It's true that you only have one chance to make a first impression. It's also true that first impressions create a presumption. If people meet you and think you're weak, that's how they'll treat you. Sure, you can overcome it, but you're starting behind...it takes effort to overcome a negative presumption. You're now fighting an uphill battle.

If on the other hand, with your first impression, you portray confidence, you begin the relationship on top. You begin with momentum. You'll be treated differently, more respectfully. All things are possible.

So, why should it be any different with children? Yes, I know, children don't typically shake hands with one another. But, children should (and often do) shake hands with adults. And when they do, adults treat them differently. They're treated as mature...as leaders. Adults are more willing to interact with them. To give them more responsibility. To call them out from the group in subtle ways. And other children see that. Other children will subtly treat them with more respect because of the way adults treat them. Every little bit means a lot as time goes on.

So, a handshake should be natural for them. They should shake hands firmly. They should make eye contact. And they should confidently smile. And parents should practice this and be sure they do it every time. Soon, it will be natural. And soon, adults will treat them with more respect.

Raising confident daughters by teaching them to teach

Motivational children's books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

I had a conference with my daughter, Olivia's, first-grade teacher today. The teacher was reporting on Olivia's progress from the beginning of the school year. We talked about all of the typical things. But when we were finished doing that, I asked about Olivia's progress in becoming more confident.

You see, since Olivia switched schools from kindergarten to first grade, my wife and I had been concerned that she would have a difficult time being confident with her abilities...being a leader. At the beginning of the year, Olivia was very shy. But her teacher reported that Olivia had become extremely outgoing and confident throughout the year. We asked Olivia's teacher what she had done to help her to come back out of her shell. Her teacher told us that she had simply asked Olivia to help some of the other students with reading and math.

It appears that asking Olivia to teach others had a double impact. First, it helped Olivia to appreciate how smart she was as she helped other students, and that helped to build her confidence. Second, it helped those she was teaching to appreciate her as a really smart person...and that altered the way they treated her. Over time, Olivia's classmates began to treat her as a class leader, and that made Olivia feel like more of a class leader.

So, to raise confident daughters, try teaching them to teach others.

Raise confident daughters with strong math skills!

Motivational children's books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

Confidence can be a lot about knowing the answers. The answers to questions posed by teachers during class. The answers to questions posed by classmates during recess. The answers to life's little questions that pop up throughout the day. These questions are typically public, and the one who knows the answer is always subtly propped up. As I've said in previous postings, little victories mean a lot to children. If they get propped up with little victories every day, over time, they could become very confident kids...and adults.

In grade school, reading and math are very important. Most of the things kids learn relate to one or the other. They even relate to each other. So, while it's important to be a strong reader, confidence can just as easily be made or broken as a result of math skills. And while we probably won't create a math genius out of the regular DNA we have given our children, we can facilitate strong math skills.

I do a few things to help my daughters to excel in math. One thing I do is worksheets...almost every night. Not many problems each night. Even 5-10 problems per night are meaningful. For my Kindergarteners, I do pluses and minuses. Throughout the year they grow in difficulty...as the girls are ready for it. For my first grader I do the same kind of thing, but with harder problems. The more I push the limits, the more they exceed them. What I've learned is that a little bit goes a long way if it's every day.

Another thing I do is practice counting while we're in the car. I get the girls to count by 2s or 3s or 4s, etc. This is a key building block for not only addition but multiplication as well. While we practice simple multiplication, I can see my daughter counting by 2s or 3s or 4s or whatever to get the answer.

One day as my daughters were getting out of the car, I said, "You girls are becoming really good counters." One of them smiled and innocently responded, "We're good at lots of things, aren't we, dad."

Raising confident daughters with SKYPE

Motivational childrens books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

When raising daughters, it's all about time. I've said this in other postings. In my view, daughters need high quality and low quality time with their dads. There's the deep, heart-to-heart conversations, and there's the dinner time banter, and there's everything in between. It's all important. Girls need a father's day-to-day influence in their lives.

But, sometimes dads need to be away. Travel is becoming a bigger and bigger part of even the most mundane careers. It's a global economy and that requires travel. So, how do you stay involved as a day-to-day part of your daughters' lives while you're on the road? SKYPE!

No, I am not a rep for SKYPE. I get nothing for talking about SKYPE. But it is an awesome tool that could fundamentally change our relationships.

I have a friend who recently decided to take a job out of town. The problem is, he has two kids from another marriage that will be left behind. Without getting into the merits of the decision, he now has to find a way to stay connected with his kids. One of his kids is a daughter who is just entering that awkward...I need my dad whether I admit it or not...age. SKYPE is going to help him to be a daily part of her life, even though he is hundreds of miles away.

SKYPE is a free software that you can download in around two minutes that enables you to make FREE phone calls from your computer to any other computer, anywhere in the world. But that's not the cool part. The cool part about SKYPE is that if you buy a $30.00 webcam (I recommend Logitech www.logitech.com), you can turn your computer into a real-time video conference phone.

I set up my webcam a few days ago and I have SKYPED with people (including my own daughters) all over the world. It's awesome! I SKYPED with my girls when they got off the bus today and I felt like I was actually hanging out with them. They showed me their crafts from school. I showed them my office. They talked as freely as if I was in the room. We've talked on the phone hundreds of times and it was never like this before. I fully expect to bring children's books with me on the road, and read with my daughters using SKYPE on my next trip.

I also recommend buying a head set. You don't need one but it gives you more privacy. I would recommend a particular brand, but I don't recall the name of my headset at work.

You can visit the SKYPE website at www.skype.com. Set up requires no more than ten minutes...including the webcam! I believe that SKYPE and other tools like it will bring us closer to our daughters when we're on the road. It could make being away bearable. Most importantly, it could keep business travelers involved in the day-to-day parts of the lives of our daughters.

Raising confident Daughters: Is God a Boy or Girl?

Raising confident daughters with childrens books for girls: A Girl Named Pants!

One night, when my oldest daughter was around four-years-old, I sat at her bedside responding to dozens of questions which seemed designed more to keep me in her room than to get answers. One question, though, was really profound. She asked me why God was a "boy" and not a "girl." She attended a Christian pre-school and she said her teacher always referred to God as "He" or "Him" or our "Father," and never "She" or "Her" or our "Mother."

That was a tough one. Raised as a Christian myself, I always viewed God as a "Male." I had never really thought about it before. But, I thought about it a lot after that. It occurred to me that it must be difficult being a woman raised in a world where at least 3.5 Billion out of 6 Billion people believe that the supreme being is a Man. Not only have women been oppressed by the physicality of men since the beginning of humanity, but they have also been oppressed by powerful religions that say the supreme being is a Man and not a Women.

I decided that that wouldn't work in my mission to create confident, "I can do anything!" kind of girls. So, after concluding that God probably isn't a man or a woman, we would switch to using the female pronoun when referring to God in our home.

I told my daughters that God can do anything, and that if God wanted to be a Boy, He could do that, and if God wanted to be a Girl, She could do that too. And, since girls are so awesome, God was probably a Girl more often than a Boy. Now we refer to God as "She" and "Her" and our "Mother." And while I don't know what the long term impact will be, I feel better that my daughters don't have a home which perpetuates the belief that the centerpiece of the universe is a Man.

Raising confident daughters with pre-school reading

Raising confident daughters with Children's books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

I was an October baby, so when I began school, I was one of the youngest in my class. To make matters worse, I was the smallest. For this reason, and probably many others, I started behind the rest of the Kindergarten class and didn't catch up until law school. I never knew what was going on in class. The class was constantly three steps ahead of me. It completely degraded my scholastic confidence. I had a high IQ, but I went through school believing that I was a mediocre student...and so that's what I became.

I believe that building scholastic confidence must begin very early. It's not that a person can never build scholastic confidence late in life...I certainly did. But, a lack of confidence early on can take years and years to overcome.

So, I believe that pre-school reading is one way to instill confidence in children. I made the commitment to teach my daughters how to read before they started school and I can see the impact even in Kindergarten. Like me, my daughters have late birthdays, so they're young for their grade. And, like me, they are the smallest in their classes. But, because they are such advanced readers, it has given them tremendous confidence. They feel like they can do anything. They talk about their classroom successes after school and much of it flows from their reading abilities.

Now, I don't happen to know how to teach reading. And I didn't want to teach them the wrong way. So in addition to reading them children's books every night, I turned to what I believe is the greatest beginner reading book ever made. The book is called, "Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons." It was produced by Siegfried Engelmann, Phyllis Haddox, and Elaine Bruner. You can find the book at the following website: http://www.worldlanguage.com/Products/459287.htm

I don't know these people and I don't get anything for referring others to them. But, this book was referred to me by my kids' swimming teacher, and it is one of the best referrals I have ever received. I invested 20 minutes per night with each one of my daughters, generally 4-5 nights per week. I began their instructions when they were four-years-old (just after they learned all of the upper and lower case letters). And they each finished the 100 lessons in around 10 months. Now they are all great readers and very confident little girls.

Raising Daughters with Show-and-Tell!

During my first day of law school, I sat in a huge room; more of an auditorium really. There were hundreds of students sitting in stadium-style seating. A teacher stood in front of the room giving us a preview of what was to come. He posed a hypothetical question to the class. Dozens of hands shot up. The student he called on was fairly non-descript...until he answered the question. He grew that day. Not just to me. He stood up and gave what appeared to be a great response. I was immediately intimidated. He sounded authoritative. He seemed taller than he really was. What I learned over time was that he also seemed smarter than he really was.

This guy turned out to be a good student but not a great student. And the response he gave was good, but nothing that many of us hadn't thought of. He carried himself well, though, and he was great on his feet. That skill carried him a long way that year. It's probably still carrying him a long way in life.

Since then I have been in a few different careers. Each career has put me face-to-face with many, many smart people. One thing I've learned is that good public speaking skills can be the difference between overwhelming success and mediocrity. Smart people that are not compelling...that are unable to articulate their ideas in an exciting and engaging manner are often shuffled to the middle of the pack.

With that in mind, I encourage my girls to engage in public speaking. Yes, yes, they're only 5, 5, and 7-years-old, but I believe that public speaking is like anything else...easier to learn and develop during childhood. I have heard that most adults are more fearful of public speaking than dying! As a young trial lawyer, I always heard that if a lawyer didn't complete his or her first trial in the first seven years of practice, they never would. Public speaking can be a powerful weapon...it can also be monkey on your back that never goes away. It can be a constant source or confidence or a constant source of fear.

So, how do you get children to become good public speakers? Well, I decided to start with show-and-tell. What a great way to begin to overcome the fear of speaking in public. Think about it; kids stand up in front of the class and talk about something they know a lot about. I do show-and-tell at my house with my daughters one evening per week. I have them each take turns standing up in front of the room and telling the rest of us about their favorite toy or activity of the day. I also take the opportunity to ask them questions about themselves and their hopes for the future. Anything, really. Just to get them talking. "What do you want to be when you grow up" has yielded dozens of different answers.

For kids who are already into high school, there's a great program called "Mock Trials." I coached Mock Trials for three years as a young lawyer. Students play the roles of lawyers and witnesses. As lawyers, they perform direct and cross examinations. Which means, of course, that as witnesses they are subjected to direct and cross examinations. It doesn't train future lawyers. It trains future confident women who can become great leaders...maybe agents of change in dark, dark places for women.

Raising motivated daughters with Children's Books for Girls: A Girl Named Pants!

Stick and stones will break my bones, but names will NEVER hurt me!

Motivational children's books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

Raising three daughters requires a parent to deal with the consequences of name calling.  I used to go through it every day.  One of my girls would run up to me crying because one of my other girls called her a name.  "Emma said I'm a geek." 

How do you respond to that? 

I used to respond by asking, "Well, are you a geek?"  In every case, whoever was crying would stop crying and say, "No, I'm not a geek."  "Well, then I guess she's wrong.  And since she's wrong, why are you crying about it."

A few weeks ago, one of my girls came crying to me for the same sort of thing and I thought of a more powerful way to deal with it.  I surprised her and shouted, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will NEVER hurt me!"  That got her attention.  That got all of their attention.  Then, I shouted it again...this time, louder.  By the third time the girls were all shouting it with me.  "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will NEVER hurt me."  We began shouting it in unison and jumping up and down.  Then, after a while, I explained to them what it meant.  It seems to have worked pretty well.  Now the girls will say it themselves when name calling starts.

Childhood is filled with name calling.  There is no perfect way to deal with it.  But, That one statement seems to help.  Especially when you shout it out.  Any thoughts?

Life is a game of inches: introduce lifetime sports to raise confident daughters

Motivational Children's Books for Girls: A Girl Named Pants

I cannot emphasize enough how important confidence is to girls...especially during their formative years.  And every little bit helps.  Life is a game of inches.  A jolt of confidence during a critical moment in a child's life can mean the difference between "just saying no" and a teen pregnancy.  It can begin a trend of success and avoid one of failure.  And none of us know when those critical moments will occur.  The only thing we can predict with some level of certainty is that the critical moments will occur when we're not around.  They will occur when they're with friends or strangers.  Their self confidence could be their only shield against mistakes they can't take back. 

If I'm right, then helping to grow confidence in our girls is extremely important.  One idea is to build skills in life sports.  The kind of sports that every kid plays.  The kind of sports that all children are subconsciously judged on.  The kind of sports which can build or destroy confidence.  Sports like swimming, skiing, throwing a ball, kicking a ball, hitting a ball, and running.  Whether it's gym class, intramurals, going to the beach, pool parties, ski club, or whatever.  Childhood is in many ways a jungle.  Physicality is very important to self esteem.  My nephew came home crying one day because he was the slowest runner in his class. 

In my experience, skills in all of these life-sports can be grown with practice.  I spent a full afternoon with my daughters throwing a nerf football.  At the beginning of the day, none of them could catch.  By the end of the day, they could all throw and catch.  They were excited.  They wanted to show off to their friends.  Above all, they gained a little confidence.  Same for skiing.  Same for swimming.  It takes a bit of time and patience, but an investment of a little of each goes a long way.

Is it good to focus children on one sports when they're young?

Motivational Children's Books for Girls: A Girl Named Pants

I had a chat today with a friend about raising daughters.  He has an interesting perspective.  He pushed his daughter really hard in soccer when she was very young.  He worked with her every night after work.  He sent her to camps.  As a result, she excelled quickly.  Through age 11 she was typically the best player on her team.  But, he's noticed an interesting trend recently...other kids are rapidly catching up.  It seems that kids with raw talent who didn't have the benefit of parental support are coming into their own. 

Was he right to push her so hard at one sport (at the expense of others) at such a young age.  Essentially, he believes that with all the extra work, she may have been artificially superior to the other kids.  In other words, it was never her raw talent that pushed her ahead.  Maybe if he had let her explore more sports and not worked with her so much, she may have been able to naturally pick the sport she could be the best at.

So, is it better to keep a safe distance, expose our daughters to many sports, and let them discover their true talents for themselves?

It's the little things...there's nothing bigger

Motivational children's books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

I took the title of this post from a movie called, "Vanilla Sky."  Great movie.  The movie has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but the quote is really powerful.  Especially against the backdrop of raising daughters. 

I have a friend who travels a lot with his job.  And he doesn't just travel for business.  He always stays a few extra days to explore.  If his last meeting is on a Friday and he's in a new city or country, he'll stay the weekend.  His view is that he'll never have a chance to see these places again.  He needs to take advantage of it while he can. 

This friend of mine also has a few young children...daughters.  I asked him the other day whether it bothered him to be away from his children so much, especially on the days he didn't have to be away.  He said, "I travel a lot, but I have never missed a big event."

I've thought a lot about his response over past few days, and I know what he means by big events.  I know because I've been through several of my children's "big events."  Not the big, big events like weddings or college graduation, but pretty big events like birthdays, swim meets, school plays, and holidays.  And while it's true that the big events are really important to be part of, I don't think they're as important as the thousands of little events in life.  Because while the big events are certainly more memorable, those are not the times when we can build a bond and be a meaningful part of our children's day-to-day lives...to borough into that deep part of their brains. 

The things I miss the most when I travel are not the big events, but the little ones.  I miss getting my girls on the bus in the morning and chatting the whole time about their day ahead.  I miss driving them to swimming lessons and listening to them sing to themselves or chat with each other about nothing.  I miss sitting on the couch with them watching a movie.  I miss tucking them in at night and responding to their dozens of questions (which are usually asked just so they can stay up later).  I miss the little things.  In fact, if I had to choose, I would probably give up the handful of their big events for the thousands of little ones.

When raising daughters, it's the little things...there's nothing bigger.      

A friend for life…

Children’s books for girls: A Girl Named Pants

My mother raised us to believe in God.  She wasn’t a bible thumper or holy roller, but she introduced us to someone who would love us unconditionally no matter what the rest of the world thought of us.  Someone who had a bigger plan for us than what we saw before our eyes.  Someone who would always be watching over us no matter how hard life became.  A few years ago I asked her why she emphasized God in our lives so much.  She said that she never wanted us to feel alone.  And we never did. 

Having God in my life gave me confidence, and still does.  It has gotten me through every pothole and detour in the road.  It has given me eternal vision which always helped me to lead rather than follow.  It always served as a shield against many of the stupid things I would have otherwise done (don’t get me wrong, I did A LOT of stupid things as a kid, but it could have been a lot worse).  But, above all, God has always been always a friend to me.

That’s what I want for my daughters.  This is a hard world for kids.  Peer pressure isn’t called peer influence for a reason…it’s an enormous PRESSURE everyday, often to do the wrong thing.  To face peer pressure and life in general, I want my daughters to have a secret friend.  I want them to have someone in their lives that will never die and will always love them for who they are.  I want someone to provide positive pressure, to influence them in the right direction.  For now, that someone is me.  But, life is a funny thing.  We never know when our last day will arrive.  And we never know when, for some other reason, our daughters will be out of our lives.  So, I have raised my daughters to not only believe in God, but to know that God is part of their everyday lives. That God is their father and mother, friend, teacher, coach, sculptor, and guide along the path.  That God is watching every minute of every day, and will never, ever give up on them.  They actually include God in family pictures they draw in school.  I couldn’t be happier.  One day while making snowmen (snow people actually) in our backyard, I made one for everyone in our family.  When we finished, I began walking toward the house.  My daughters kept going.  “Come on, dad.  Let’s make God the biggest.” 

Internal competition…how to manage the fast with the slow?

Raising daughters is rewarding and challenging.  Ever since I can remember, my daughters have never been even in anything.  I have three girls that are extremely close in age.  Of course they fight as sisters fight.  That never bothers me.  I believe it’s good for them.  It teaches them about conflict and how to resolve conflict. 

No, what often always troubles me is the fact that my three girls are never even at anything.  Walking, running, climbing, reading, math, public speaking, coloring, you name it.  At every stage of development, one of my girls is ahead, one is in the middle, and one is behind.  The order changes frequently and it varies depending upon the activity.  But it always breaks my heart to see one of them falling behind.  Mostly because they don’t yet see the big picture.  They don’t see that it’s a long game and the lead often changes.  They just see the moment; and in that moment, for one of them, it’s a moment of failure.

I believe that feelings of self worth begin to form early and I don’t want any of my daughters to feel inferior.  So, my first reaction is to spend more time with the slowest.  But, that inevitably takes away time from the fastest.  And just as I don’t want any of them to fall behind, I don’t want any of them to be held back because of the slowest member of the team.

My current approach has been to emphasize the “star” qualities of each of them throughout the day.  In this way, we can have winners and losers, without any of them feeling like losers.  As well, I believe it teaches them that just because they lose at one thing, they can still excel at something else…everyone has their special skill.

With our children's books for girls about a girl named Pants, we always have “Pants” struggling to succeed at something or solve a hard problem.  Hopefully this will teach my girls and others that failing at first creates an opportunity to have an even greater and more dramatic success later. 

Does anyone have any ideas on managing internal competition among daughters? 

How do you raise daughters in an obese nation?

We had dinner the other night at my aunt’s house.  My wife, our three little girls, and I made an evening of it.  We had a great time.  The whole family was there.  My brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and cousins.  We ate, drank, played ping-pong, and talked about all kinds of things.  The best conversation I had was with my cousin (cousin-in-law, actually), Debbie.  She taught me something about raising daughters.  And since I’m all about raising my daughters, good advice on that topic is really important to me.

Somehow Debbie found out that I wouldn’t let my daughters eat McDonalds’ French Fries because they’re so fattening.  Well, actually what Debbie found out was that I told my daughters that McDonalds’ Fries were fattening to encourage them not to eat them. 

Debbie confronted me immediately and told me that I should have given my girls another reason…I shouldn’t have told them that they couldn’t eat McDonalds’ Fries because they’re fattening.  “It’s going to make them think that you won’t love them if they’re fat, or that being fat is somehow…bad.”

At first I didn’t agree with her.  Because frankly, I do think it’s bad to be fat.  It’s unhealthy.  Obesity is becoming one of the biggest killers of Americans.  It reduces quality of life.  It’s restrictive.  And obese people are commonly discriminated against both socially and professionally.  It’s sad and true.  And children in America are heavier than ever before.  More than twice as many children in the US today are clinically obese than during the 70s.  More than three times as many adolescents are clinically obese today than during the 70s.  (http://www.obesity.org/subs/childhood/prevalence.shtml).

And it is harder now than ever before to fight off obesity.  Fattening food is addictive.  Computers have made children’s lives more sedentary.  Pop and juice have replaced milk and water in children’s diets.  With this in mind, it’s more important than ever before to guide our children through the minefields of sugar and computer games.  It’s more important than ever before for us to guide our daughters toward healthy lifestyles, including exercise and a balanced diet.  And, yes, to avoid McDonalds’ French Fries. 

But, after listening to Debbie’s rationale, I agree with her.  She’s right.  It is wrong to tell my girls that they should avoid McDonalds’ Fries (or any other food) because it will make them fat.  I don’t want them to be stressed about their weight.  I don’t want them to believe that I won’t love them if they’re fat.  I don’t want them to believe that they would be less important or ugly if they become fat.  I don’t want their weight to reduce their confidence.   

So, instead of telling my daughters to avoid McDonalds’ Fries because they’re fattening, I’m going to tell them to avoid the fries (and all other junk food) because they’re unhealthy.  This will turn the point from negative to positive.  This will tell them that I want them to be healthy so they can do more with their lives.  I want them to be healthy so they can live for a long, long time.  I want them to be healthy so that we can play soccer and swim together.  So that we can hike and snorkel together.  So that we can do all the things we love to do without getting tired.  I want them to be healthy because I can’t wait to see what they’ll do next.

Confidence can be a powerful tool in life.  But, it’s very delicate during childhood (even during adulthood).  It can be shattered with a comment, no matter how well intended.  Especially with daughters.  Every little bit helps on the road to motivating our daughters to be confident, strong, and compassionate leaders.  Do you believe that stressing children about becoming fat is a bad thing?  Will it create problems downstream?  Or is stressing children about becoming fat a good thing?  Will it help them to lead healthier lives?  What do you think? 

 

An Encouraging Word

How important is it to say encouraging things to our daughters?  Can encouraging words really change their behavior?  Can encouraging words really help them to believe in themselves; to believe they can do anything? 

Well, it sounds like one of those statements that would be really hard to prove one way or another.  It sounds like one of those statements that would require at least two groups of children from similar backgrounds; one who was motivated frequently with encouraging words and one who was not.  And it might even take years to see the outcome. 

Without doing any of that, I believe that encouraging words can have both an immediate and long term impact on a child’s life.  A few weeks ago I was coaching my eight and under swim team in the last meet of the year; the meet which had participants from 23 different schools.  One of my swimmers, Katie, was on her third length of the 100 Individual Medley (one length of each stroke; butterfly, backstroke, breaststroke, and freestyle).  She was tracking behind her best time.  In the first few strokes of her third length I noticed that she was swimming slowly.  She seemed to have given up.  So, I ran over to the end of the pool, got down on my knees so she could see my face as she took her breaths, and started screaming, “GO!” 

Katie didn’t notice me on the first breath, but she saw me the next one.  Her face changed.  Her speed picked up.  At that moment, the momentum changed.  The whole place could feel it.  Her parents began screaming for her.  Her team mates began screaming for her.  With one encouraging word (or shout), she transformed before the eyes of hundreds of parents from a quitter to a winner.  She beat her best time.  She won her heat.  She got a heat ribbon.  The timers congratulated her.  Her friends high-fived her.  For that moment, she was a champion, a celebrity.  She talked about it for days.

Did an encouraging word change her life?  Well, it gave her a victory she would not have earned otherwise.  And as I said in my last post, little victories mean a lot.  They can begin a trend of success.  And it might just be an encouraging word that leads to that first or second or third little victory.  An encouraging word could fuel the trend.  Just the same, a lack of an encouraging word could lead to a loss to begin or perpetuate a trend of failure.

The other day I was watching my five-year-old daughter at soccer practice.  She’s new at soccer and extremely shy at times.  During a scrimmage, she was barely engaged in the game.  She wouldn’t even touch the ball when it rolled near her.  So, I pulled her out and talked to her.  She said, “Dad, I’m never going to score a goal.”  I said, “Gabrielle, you don’t have to score a goal.  Last week your sister kicked the ball 6 times.  That was awesome.  Just kick the ball.  See if you can kick it six times.”  I then walked her out and asked the coach to make her feel good if she kicked the ball.  The next time the ball came near her, Gabrielle kicked it.  Even though she kicked it right out of bounds, the coached shouted, “Way to go, Gabrielle!”  Then she yelled over to me so Gabrielle would hear her, “That’s one, dad!  Five more to go!” 

Gabrielle’s whole attitude changed.  She was smiling and running with the other kids.  She didn’t score a goal, or even come close to scoring a goal, but she kicked the ball nine times.  The coach responded to every “touch” with a shout.  It changed everything for her.  It continued the trend of success.

An encouraging word can change everything.  Has anyone else changed their children’s life with an encouraging word?  Has anyone else motivated their daughters to believe they can do anything?  How?  

Small victories can fuel earth shattering accomplishments

I did something today that I’ve been dreading for a few weeks; my snow blowers first start.  I go through this every year.  It usually takes me 125 to 150 pulls before it starts.  Once it starts, it’s good for the whole winter, but getting to that first start is a miserable experience.  It’s not just pulling the cord 150 times; it’s the dread that it may never start.

My daughters were in the driveway with their little shovels as I began my first few pulls.  I pulled it the first ten times then took a break for a few seconds.  I did the same with the next ten and the next.  Then, for no obvious reason, on the thirty-fifth pull, the snow blower started!  I couldn’t believe it!  I shouted, “YYEESSSS!” I held my hands up and kept shouting it!  My girls started shouting it too.  I was so fired up!  I felt like I had just won the Super Bowl.  My whole day changed.  I felt like I could do anything! 

Such a trivial victory changed my whole attitude.  I accomplished several things today that I’ve been dreading and putting off for weeks.  In fact, it’s likely that had I not started the snow blower on the 35^th pull today, I would have put off this “Raising Daughters” entry until tomorrow. 

This trivial victory and my over reaction to it validates my view that little victories mean a lot.  Little victories can snowball; they can create a trend, a life changing trend. 

My sister went through a long period of wandering with no direction and low self esteem.  She had no victories.  This went on for years.  Then, she started going to the gym and running on a tread mill.  A small victory.  She began to talk about running now and again.  And while it was almost imperceptible at the time, that little victory began to change her life.  Next she began aerobics.  Soon she began to loose weight and get into shape.  At some point she became more interesting and exciting to talk to again.  Before long, my sister was inspiring people around her.  Now she is highly motivated, back in school and succeeding wildly with her coursework, her kids, and her life.  Little victories mean a lot.  They can lead to earth shattering accomplishments. 

If it’s true with adults – that little victories can snowball and change a life of negativity – think of what little victories can do to children.  Children don’t have lives that have to be changed or turned-around.  They have lives that haven’t yet been shaped.  Little victories can turn them in to confident adults.  And little victories can be found anywhere…it’s all about how they see it. 

For example, I took two of my daughters to soccer this morning.  One is almost seven-years-old and the other is five-years-old.  Before we arrived I talked about their goals for the game. We agreed to attainable goals (not too easy and not too hard).  My seven-year-old’s goal was to score one goal…she scored two.  My five-year-old’s goal was to kick the ball five times during the game (yes, yes, it’s a pretty small victory, but a few weeks ago she wasn’t even noticing the ball when it rolled past her)…she kicked it six times. 

When they finished playing, they were both fired up!  They succeeded and they knew they succeeded.  They each had a small victory; a victory that was placed on top of many, many other small victories; small victories that seem to be gaining momentum; turning into a trend.

I believe that with our daughters, almost any situation can be perceived as a success.  Even kicking a soccer ball or reading a children's book.  It’s all about having the right expectations and goals at the outset.  Start building momentum for success, today…right now! 

Money, money, money!

I received an email the other day from a father with a really challenging question.  I wish I had a good answer.  Maybe you do.  He asked if I knew how to raise daughters in a wealthy environment without turning them into kids with wealthy attitudes; an unearned sense of entitlement. 

In a way, I understand his concern.  In a way, I live with his concern every day.  I’m not rich; not even close.  But, I live in a wealthier environment than I did as a child. Because of that, they won’t share my childhood experiences.  So, I wonder if my daughters will be raised with the same core values I grew up with.  How do you teach a child too appreciate gifts when they get dozens and dozens of gifts on their birthday, and many more throughout the year?  How do you teach your child to appreciate the need to work hard for things they really want when they get everything they want without working for it?  How do you teach your daughters to appreciate the plight of the poor when they’ve never been poor, or even known anyone who was poor?  How do you prevent them from feeling an unearned sense of entitlement when everyone in their neighborhood has more unearned material possessions than we ever dreamed we could have? 

As children our annual vacation was to the nearby city of Toronto for a weekend.  We would spend the whole weekend running around the hotel.  We swam in the hotel pool.  We ate food my parents packed in the hotel room.  We never left the hotel.  (By the way, it was a blast!).  Today, children in our neighborhood go on Disney cruises (multiple times per year), Mexico, and Islands I’ve never even heard of.  Their parents shower them with gifts.  Not just toys, but snow mobiles, trampolines, $70 tee-shirts, cell phones, iPods, and insanely expensive computer games.  What could a child possibly think as they grow up with all that?  Money grows on trees.  Things come easily; without work or anticipation.  Problems magically go away.  There are no painful consequences to failure.  Their brains will never be trained on basic lessons we learned everyday. 

How do you raise daughters in a wealthy environment (or at least a wealthier environment) without stealing their only chance to learn lessons that will become valuable tools for them throughout their lives?  Well, I’m not sure, but I have a few ideas.

First, since children have no idea what they’re missing or doing, as parents we have to be the ones to hold the line.  We cannot cave in to the material pressures around us.  Forego the expensive trips.  Forego the expensive birthday parties.  Make children work for things they want.  Spend regular time at a city mission or soup kitchen or someplace where children can see that the world isn’t so easy and sacrifice-free for everyone.  Read them the right children's books.  Motivate them to help others.  Teach them the difference between want and need.  Lead by example. 

Above all, though, appreciate that children’s brains will be trained by their environment.  And that the training their brains get as children will shape them more profoundly than at any other time during their lives.  And appreciate that one of our most critical roles as parents is to create the right environment for that childhood training…to raise our daughters…our children. 

Does anyone have a good answer to the emailer’s question?        

Raising daughters to be bilingual

I was raised in a household of five children within six years.  We grew up in a 1200 square foot house with parents who were raised in even smaller houses.  While life was probably just as complicated, looking back it seems to have been much simpler.  We had no bike helmets, no car seats, no seatbelts, no racial diversity, powdered milk, and bulk everything.  We walked over two miles to elementary school (regardless of the weather) and we played outside all day long (again, regardless of the weather).  And, everyone we knew spoke one language; English (and not the British kind, the American kind).  World travel was hard and expensive.  Even international phone calls were expensive.  In those days telling someone that you were on a “long distance call” meant something.  For Americans, training children in multiple languages was an extremely low priority.  Unlike places in Europe where a four hour drive could put you in a new country with a new language, a four hour drive here just put you in a place with different restaurants. 

Things are different today.  The world is much smaller than it was.  Depending upon where you’re coming from, a flight to Chicago could be more expensive than a flight to Tokyo or London.  Today, roughly one in seven Americans is Hispanic. Hispanics now constitute the largest minority group in the United States. As of July 1, 2004, Hispanics accounted for 14.1 percent of the population, around 41.3 million people. The Hispanic growth rate over the July 1, 2003 to July 1, 2004 period was 3.6 percent - higher than any other ethnic group in the United States, and in fact more than three times the rate of the nation's total population (at 1.0 percent). The projected Hispanic population of the United States for July 1, 2050, is of 102.6 million people. According to this projection, Hispanics will constitute 24% of the nation’s total population on that date. 

Today, Chinese American is the fastest growing segment of the US population (50%growth rate).  And, China is the most populated country on earth.  Their current population is approximately 1,306,313,812.  As a frame of reference, the U.S. population is approximately 295,734,134.    For an even more compelling frame of reference, the entire planet is inhabited by only around 6 Billion people.  More than one out of every six people is Chinese.  And their influence upon the world’s economy is growing fast.

Why am I spewing these statistics to you?  Well, to demonstrate that while being bilingual in the U.S. may not have been important for my generation, it might be critical for our children; for our daughters in particular.  Historically, the best communicators have dominated their careers.  I'm often shocked to see really, really smart people trapped in jobs that will never go anywhere.  It’s usually because they aren’t able to communicate their ideas.  They aren’t able to build career relationships because their communication skills are so weak.  In the U.S., for most careers, communication has only been in English.  But things are changing.

It’s hard to read any news without seeing the impact of globalization.  Business is international.  And while English is still the international business language, as non-English speaking nations such as China become more and more influential with respect to the world’s economy, that will naturally change.  Maybe in won’t be China.  Maybe it will be India (with approximatley 1,080,264,388 people).  Maybe it will be another country all together. 

So, who will be the best communicators of the future?  Who will have the power in business deals, in careers, even in relationships?  There’s a lot of time from now until then for our girls to become bilingual.  But, the earlier we begin, the better. 

Beyond the benefit of being able to communicate in multiple languages, learning of a second language has tremendous educational benefits for children. Studies have shown that students who learn another language have improved overall school performance, increased creativity and are better at solving complex problems. In fact, students who averaged four or more years of foreign language study scored higher on the verbal section of the SAT than those who studied four or more years in any other subject. 

While I hate to shamelessly promote A Girl Named Pants, I would be remiss if I didn’t mentioned that we have produced the first two books of the children’s book series in both English and Spanish.  There is a narrow window to expose our daughters to second languages.  There is no time like the present to begin.

Does anyone know of any good second language programs to help children to become bilingual?

Kellys Never Give Up!

I heard a subtle but powerful story the other day.  My sister has twin boys; Robert and Michael.  Yes, yes, they aren’t girls and this is a blog about raising daughters, but what they did could have been done by any child; boy or girl.

Robert and Michael are almost three years old.  They’re in pre-school.  My sister’s last name is Kelly and she tells Robert and Michael every chance she gets that “Kellys never give up!”  That’s her motto.  That’s her slogan.  That’s one of her many means of creating a footprint in that deep part of their brains; the part of their brains which will be much harder to reach as they get older.  This footprint is determination.  My sister wants Robert and Michael to be adults who don’t view quitting as an easy option when faced with hard problems in life. 

The other day my sister’s motto made its first appearance in public; but not by my sister.  Robert was working on crafts in his pre-school class.  He was struggling to put beads on a string.  His teacher noticed him and came over to help.  When she reached for the string she said, “Let me help you with this, Robert.”  Robert pulled his string away and politely said, “No, I can do it.  Kellys never give up!” 

Not only did Robert make my sister extremely proud and begin to validate her tactic, but it inspired Robert’s pre-school teacher to use that statement with the rest of her students.

I think we would all agree that motivational statements can be very valuable to some adults.  And as valuable as they can be to adults, motivational statements are immeasurably more valuable to children.  Whether those statements come in the form of motivational posters for their walls, children's books, parental mottos, or that exceptional teacher we all hope our children will get, motivational statements can be an important part of the complex stew that creates confident, compassionate, and courageous leaders. 

Cultural and Economic Diversity

When I was a young assistant district attorney I found myself in the middle of racial, cultural, and economic diversity for the first time in my life.  I had been raised a middle class, Catholic white kid.  I had never been exposed to different races or religions.  I never knew any rich kids.  I never knew any particularly poor kids, either.  My family never had any “extra” money so we never really went anywhere during my childhood.  I basically spent all my early years in my neighborhood with other kids just like me. 

So, as a young adult, I didn’t have a broad view of the world.  In hindsight it really hurt me.  One day while I was in court I had to break up a fight between two black kids.  I tried to figure out what they were fighting about.  One of them men turned to me and said, “Get away from us.  It’s a black thing.  You wouldn’t understand.”  He was right.  I didn’t understand.  He was also right that I probably didn’t understand because I was a white suburban kid who knew nothing about the world he was living in.  I remember feeling helpless, diminished. 

As I grew in the DA’s office, I learned how little I knew about the world outside of my narrow upbringing.  More importantly, I learned about how much was out there to be learned.  Since then I have exposed myself to as much cultural, racial, religious, and economic diversity as possible.  I wish I had done that much sooner in my life; during my childhood.  With a broader view I would have been a better student; not just of school but of life.  I would have made different choices; maybe better ones.  I would have been deeper in so many ways.

Now, I do everything I can to help my daughters see the whole world while they’re young.  I take them to a racially diverse church where they can meet and build friendships with Blacks, Hispanics, and children who are economically disadvantaged.  I have them in Chinese classes so that they will appreciate that the whole world doesn’t speak English.  And we talk about the world using a globe, the Internet, and trips so that they will think way more broadly about life than I ever could.

Our Church is not only racially and culturally diverse, but it is extremely poor.  For example, the wealthier churches in the area will take in approximately $30,000 in their weekly collections; our church takes in approximately $500.00.  This has helped my daughters appreciate more about the plight of those in financial need (although, without actually walking in their shoes, all we can do is scratch the surface).  The fourth book in our series of children’s books for girls is entitled, “Pants Feeds the Poor.”  The idea for this book came from my daughters.  One day after church they said, “Pants is the kind of girl who would feed poor people, dad.  Let’s do a book about that.”

I would love to get some new ideas from readers about other ways to racially and culturally broaden the experience of my daughters.  Any ideas?

www.agirlnamedpants.com

Thoughts are Things

My wife and I had dinner with some close friends the other night; Renee and Greg.  The food was fantastic.  The company was even better.  But the best part of the night was hearing a brilliant quote from Renee.  Now, this is a highly motivational woman.  Greg and Renee are business owners who are all about spreading enthusiasm and optimism.  They have “can do” attitudes that will undoubtedly spread to their four children. 

During the night, Renee shared an expression she uses in her home to immediately combat negativity.  She responds to any negative remarks with “Remember, thoughts are things.”  It struck me instantly.  Thoughts are things.   It emphasizes the power of thoughts.  It takes thoughts out of the category of intangible…invisible…even harmless.  Thoughts are things.  It forces us to appreciate the significance and power of thoughts.  It reminds us that they’re physical.  Thoughts are chemical reactions in our brains.  They’re the magical interaction or intersection of all kinds of currents and impulses and tissue and cells in our brain that shape us.  Little by little our own thoughts can change the people we are, the way we think, the way we look at the world, the way we feel about people and opportunities.  Above all, thoughts are not intangible.  Thoughts don’t merely arise out of nothing and float around without actual creating physical change in our brains.  Thoughts are things.

And since children’s brains can be changed more deeply and profoundly than the brains of adults, the right thoughts are more valuable to them than to us.  Creating a positive environment to promote positive thoughts is far more important to our children than to us.  So not only have I stolen Renee’s brilliant quote, but I’ve begun a conscious campaign to eliminate negativity from our home. 

We have already created an enthusiastic and positive environment with our motivational “A Girl Named Pants” posters and children’s books for girls (www.agirlnamedpants.com).  But creating a positive environment doesn’t necessarily mean that some potentially negative situations won’t arise.  And since thoughts are things, negative situations can create brain shaping negative thoughts. 

I noticed that stress increases the likelihood that a situation will turn negative.  So, I picked the two most stressful situations of a typical day; getting ready for the bus in the morning and getting ready for bed in the evenings.  It seems like in both cases the environment can become pretty tense.  Since I want my kids to start their day and finish their day on a high, I decided to reduce the stress from both situations.  It was easy.  I simply added more time to each.  We agree upon cloths the night before.  We start getting ready for the bus earlier in the morning.  We start getting ready for bed earlier at night.  The difference has been striking.  It’s calm.  No more negativity (well, certainly a lot less negativity). 

Remember, thoughts are things…help your children create positive things.

If you want to see the website of Greg and Renee’s business, go to: www.nybear.com

It’s about time

The other day, I ran into a guy I grew up with.  Actually, I didn’t really grow up with him.  He moved away when we were eight-years-old.  I hadn’t seen him since.  I spent the first eight years of my life with him as a neighbor and a friend and hadn’t seen him in over 34 years, yet we didn’t miss a beat.  We spent a few hours together catching up and in many ways it felt like we had never really been apart.  And this isn’t the first time this has happened.  I occasionally run into friends from my childhood and have a similar experience.  In every case it’s as if we weren’t apart for years and years.  It’s almost like they’re family.

There’s something about the way we bond as children that’s really hard to replicate.  Maybe it’s because as a child we have so few experiences and relationships that each one leaves a powerful and lasting impression on our lives.  Or maybe it’s because of the enormous amount of time we spend with our childhood friends.  Time playing or just doing nothing together.  All day.  Everyday.  In the summer it’s from morning till the street lights go on.  In the winter it’s at school and weekends.  Nothing formal.  Nothing planned.  Usually just hanging out.  Or maybe it’s because during that short time of our lives we’re pure; life hasn’t taught us about all the things we should hate or look down upon or block out.  During that one innocent and powerful time of our lives, we do what children do; absorb everything in an unfiltered manner and build really strong bonds.

When I was a child, my father was a hard worker.  He worked all day, then he came home and worked all night.  He traveled on business around the world and was often away for a full week, and longer.    When he wasn’t working or traveling, he was reading or fixing things.  It was a different time then.  The day-to-day parenting came from my mother.  She was a stay-at-home mom who did everything with us.  Consequently, I built a much stronger bond with my mother than my father.  And because of that, she’s always been a more powerful influence in my life.  To this day, I’ll catch myself responding to things in the way my mother would respond.  When I stop and think for a moment, my responses are different, more thoughtful and deliberate, and sometimes even better.  But my immediate responses come from someplace really deep.  Someplace under many, many layers.  Someplace really hard to get to and change.  What I’ve concluded is that it’s about time.  Time together.  Playing.  Reading.  Hanging out.  Talking over dinner.  Doing projects together.  And yes, even watching TV together.  It’s all about time together.  The people that have influenced that deep part of my brain are the people I spent a lot of time with during those early years when there was still easy access to that deep part of my brain.

So, that’s where I want to be with my daughters; in that deep part of their brains.  I want to be one of those people who influence them for the rest of their lives.  I want to build a bond that creates trust at the core.  I want my motivational and positive views about life to occupy that precious space in their brains that will be virtually inaccessible in years to come.  I want their immediate, subconscious responses to situations to be the responses they got from me rather than the ones suggested by TV and their friends and lyrics from songs.  And since I believe it’s all about time, I invest as much time as I can with my girls.  This isn’t always easy, of course, in this highly competitive and global business environment.  But, with focus and appreciation of the importance of every minute; appreciating that every minute matters, I have found many ways to invest my time with them.

Most importantly, I make time with my girls a priority.  Work is naturally a huge part of my life and consumes a big chunk of every day.  But, I try to be home every evening from 6:00pm – 8:30pm.  Without making it a priority, that time is easy to lose.  It’s easy to stay at work for another hour (or three).  But that extra hour could represent almost 50% of the entire time I would have with them for the day.  And, I can always finish my work after they go to bed (and I usually do that very thing).  Between 6pm and 8:30pm, I can dig my way into that deep part of their brains. 

When I know I have to work late (and miss my 6pm-8:30pm window), I eat breakfast with them and put them on the bus.  When I need to travel on business, I try to fly out in the morning rather than the night before.  On weekends, I fight the urge to do my own thing, and instead do family things.  When my wife and I go out at night, we try to leave after the kids go to bed (we try…). 

I’ve heard people say they plan to invest all their time working for the first 15 years or so to get rich, then have all the time in the world to spend with their kids.  That investment might never pay off.  When time is finally your own, they may not be there.  And even if they are there, that deep place in their brains will be inaccessible. 

By the way, don’t forget to check out the A Girl Named Pants series of children’s books to empower your children and help them to believe they can do anything!  www.agirlnamedpants.com